Week 4

I can see clearly now. I needed the entire week of nothingness to clear out the cobwebs of old beliefs so that new and improved ones could shine through. The dilemma—should I stay or should I go. Should I continue my trailblazing efforts to keep children safe or should I stay at home with my mother until she has had her surgery and recovered? The answer I kept hearing immediately and unimpeded was “both.”

I didn’t get it. “Come on, God, how can I possibly do both if I am not out there walking the Walk?”

He only replied, “Take as much time as you need to see the truth.”

“The truth?” I asked with puzzlement clogging my hearing, a sense of duty clouding my understanding. “The truth, kind Sir, is that kids are suffering right now. This Walk cannot stop. I cannot stop. When I can stop hearing their cries and seeing their faces peeking around the corner and feeling their bruises, then I can stop. You’ve made no provisions to stifle my sensitivity so I cannot in good conscience stop walking. You’re making no sense to me right now!”

The truth is—if I am honest with myself—I knew the truth in November when I attended my nephew Kendrick’s football playoff game and burst into tears on his first carry. The truth is after each play date with my five year old nephew Cory, the impulse to play a little longer grew stronger. The truth is the idea of missing Kendrick’s senior baseball season never sat well with me. The truth is I knew Mother would be having surgery while I was on the road, but I never felt at peace about not being with her.

My mother has an aortic aneurysm which, according to WebMD, “is a bulge in a section of the aorta, the body’s main artery. The aorta carries oxygen-rich blood from the heart to the rest of the body. Because the section with the aneurysm is overstretched and weak, it can burst. If the aorta bursts, it can cause serious bleeding that can quickly lead to death.”

The normal diameter limit of the aorta is 3.9 cm. At 5 cm, patients face serious risk of the aorta bursting. My mom’s aorta measures 4.5 cm at last check. The preliminary test that she was scheduled to have one week before Walk a Week in Your Shoes began was needed to show her cardiologist and the surgeons the current measurements. However, someone dropped the ball and failed to order proper sedation for her to undergo the test. The MRI was then rescheduled for January 22, one week after I started the Walk. They still failed to order the proper sedation. Another two weeks passed with her trying and failing to secure a proper appointment for the test. Last Monday, February 8^th, I accompanied her to the visit with her cardiologist originally intended to review the test results and make a determination for surgery.

After much wrangling, the cardiologist’s office finally secured the right type of appointment for the test. An unknown undercurrent of anxiety in my own heart dammed to complete stillness when I heard the words “April 14^th is the earliest appointment they have available.”

My heart kept beating, but I couldn’t feel the blood flowing. I felt as if one big wave of divine knowing gently lapped over my chest and dashed all doubts, quenched all questions, wiped out all worry.

Nonetheless, my spirit-programmed mind marched ahead. “You have to stay, Sapphire. There is no way you can leave until this situation is resolved… Well, I have to go. I have to get back on the road. I must keep this thing going. There are 5.5 million kids in America alone who need this right now. Not to mention the millions of kids around the world. What about the kids in Haiti? I made a commitment to God and to every child on this planet that I would do whatever it took to keep them happy, to keep them safe. I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I’ll be okay… Yes, you might, there is no doubt. But, will your mother be okay? Will your family be okay? What if the aneurysm is at 4.9 cm right now and nobody knows? What if April 14^th never comes? Then what?… This is my call to duty and I must follow it… Fine, is it worth it?… Yes, absolutely… Are you serious?… I don’t know.”

And that’s where I was last week. That was my state of mind, not my state of heart. My conscious awareness needed time to catch up to what God had placed in my heart. I have no idea what I would do without my mother. My grandmother has been gone for seven years now and that still seems unreal to me. No matter how much I wish it to be, Mother is not immortal either. What would I do if something happened and I was out on the road? Even though it is certainly a worthy cause for which I gladly sacrifice my body, my time, and my energy, in the end, is pursuing it worth losing precious time with my mom? Despite what may seem obvious, the answer to this question did not come as a no-brainer for me.

When I regained my sense of self and reclaimed the sense of innocence and freedom that I once believed was lost to me at the hand of my abusers, I whole-heartedly vowed that no child on this Earth would ever question their worth because of how someone mistreated him or her. I made an oath that every child on this planet would be free to be him or herself without fear of being taken advantage of; they would be free to grow into healthy adults even if I had to die for it. In the absence of a strong connection with my family as a result of my traumas and as a result of living alone for nearly a decade, my work became my number one priority.

I am like a tigress ready to rip anyone and anything apart who threatens to encroach upon my renewed sense of freedom. That freedom first manifested in a physical pilgrimage four years ago when I resigned as an engineer, sold my home, gave away my possessions, bought a backpack, and headed to Europe. The very act of leaving it all behind, shucking the rules to follow only the path that God revealed to me, became my idea of freedom.

Since returning to the States two years ago, I reconnected with my family on a deep level. My time with them has been unbelievable. As cliché as it may sound, no one could have paid me to believe that I would have the relationship and closeness with them that I have today. While that is important to me, my life’s work and my freedom are my life. Until now.

When I first received the vision for this Walk, I knew it would transform my life. You cannot pursue something this great and remain the same. Yet, I did not have a clue about what God had planned for me. With the news regarding Mother, He is putting me in the position to prioritize family or work, family or this so-called sense of freedom. Since my work is His work, I feel guilty that I am not fulfilling my purpose on this earth if I fail to realize the visions He gives me. I feel like I am useless unless I am out there blazing the trail. I feel like I will lose my freedom if I don’t get back on the road with my backpack. How can I choose between God, freedom, and family? How can I give up one for the other?

“Come on, God, how can I possibly do both if I am not out there walking the Walk?”

He only replied, “Take as much time as you need to see the truth.”

The truth is my family is the most important aspect of my life now. It wasn’t before, not really. I was naïve enough to believe that since I did not have a family of my own, I did not need to consider the impact of my decisions on my immediate family. But family is family, and I have to take care of home first. I am now being called to do just that—take care of home first.

Over this past week, I came to realize that God is not asking me to choose one or the other. He is not asking me to give up something that means the world to me or that literally means the world to Him. He is cleverly setting things right again. He efficiently and effectively put things in proper perspective for me again. He does not want His work to take precedence over family. This is what He is showing me, and I am just starting to feel comfortable accepting that notion. I would not be alive if God had not refused to let me go because I tried. I tried to leave this earth. For that, I owe my life to Him. But I also would not be here if it were not for my family.

I do not hesitate to sacrifice my body, my time, and my energy for the safety of children. However, I will not sacrifice my family. And freedom? Freedom is not so much a state of doing as it is a state of being. I get that now. Yes, walking, backpacking, and doing the unexpected bring me a sense of freedom. But, over the past two years, I have discovered that I feel free when I am playing with Cory, attending Kendrick’s games, watching a Christmas movie with my mom, talking to my sister, swapping jewelry with my niece, listening to my brothers, chatting with my sister-in-law, teasing my nephew Kevin, and checking up on my nephew Vic.

I don’t have to walk the nation with a backpack to be free. I am free. Finally.

I also don’t have to be a literal trailblazer to make a difference. My unyielding passion and motivation is making a difference in ways that I cannot see.

Now, I am being led to fast this week, get super connected with Spirit, and receive His guidance on how He wants the Coalition to proceed with Walk a Week in Your Shoes. I know God is going to show me how to do all three— have my family while doing His work and maintaining that sense of freedom that I need.

Until then, express gratitude to your family today.