Week 10: Finding the Missing Family Pieces

The Walk a Week in Your Shoes campaign is all about family. Thus, I should not be surprised that the apparent setbacks the Coalition has faced are mere prompts for its leader to stay back and get her own house in order. After all, how can I promote the ideal of strong families for a better future when there are gaping holes left unrepaired in my own? I cannot give what I do not have.

You’ve watched me go through a roller coaster transformation to reset and deepen my relationship with my mom and siblings. Although I wish the impetus did not come at the expense of my mother’s health, I am grateful. However, there is another side of my family story that remains largely blank. My dad’s side. Only now that I have peace with the family that raised me can I summon the courage to find the family that eluded me.

My parents divorced when I was five years old at which time my mom, siblings, and I moved in with my grandmother. I didn’t often see my dad through the years nor did I have much interaction with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I remember one of my dad’s brothers attending every one of my brother’s high school football games. I really don’t remember him missing one. He would always ask me if I was doing well and would give me a $1 or so to buy a soda or something. I always looked forward to seeing him. Each time I did felt so special. I guess God is thoughtful like that. Since my dad couldn’t be there, He sent somewhat of a related surrogate to fill part of the gap. Even though my interaction with this uncle was limited to these sporting events, I felt a huge loss when he passed away many years later.

No Escaping Your Roots

Seven years ago, I legally changed my full name to Sapphire Jule King. At the time, I only had two years of sobriety and was just beginning to accept the truth of painful events in my past. I needed to distance myself from those old behaviors and thought patterns so that I could live sober. I desperately wanted to completely separate myself from my past. On the name change application, they asked why I was requesting the change. I described it as having a green beans label on a can of tomato soup. The label does not accurately describe what you will find inside. That’s how I felt every time I heard someone call me by the name I was given at birth. To me, that name described a drunken, depressed woman who did not know her worth—symbolized someone completely different—and made me cringe every time I heard it. I was undergoing a spiritual rebirth. I needed a new name.

Sapphire came to me effortlessly although at the time I did not understand the symbolic or spiritual meaning of neither the word nor the gem. Jule is in honor of my maternal late aunt who passed away from breast cancer. I always loved her middle name—Jewel. But, I had an issue with the last name. When you start with a first and middle name like Sapphire and Jule, you can’t just throw a last name like Smith or Hall into the mix. It just doesn’t work! I played around with other surnames like Royal (my cousin’s last name at the time) and silly ones like Regal. All the while I kept coming back to King. I fought it. My last relationship was with a guy whose last name was King. In short, it was an ugly relationship that warranted no reminders. I didn’t want to sign my name and think of him. I didn’t want him to find out and view it as a sign that I wanted him back… I did not. I didn’t want to face the disapproving glare of my mother. I didn’t want to hear the whispers of anyone with any knowledge of that prior connection. But, for some reason, the name just seemed to fit. It belonged.

And God told me, “This is your name.” Thus, in spite of how wrong it seemed, I went with how right it felt. I followed where Spirit led me.

Six years later, I received a hidden treasure from an unexpected place. This past November, I was sitting in the Toyota Center waiting for my grad school commencement to start. My brother called me on my cell to tell me that one of my paternal aunts was graduating from the business school. All business majors were seated directly in front of me. The only problem was I didn’t know what she looked like. I had no memory of her. She could have been one of the ladies sitting in front of me, but I had no way of knowing.

When I walked onto the arena floor, I saw my other paternal aunts standing by my mom and brother cheering me on, sending me air hugs and kisses, and lots of big smiles. I felt an unexpected twinge of joy—unexpected because I still harbored deep resentments for anything “dad” related. However, I was not prepared for the exaltation soon to come.

Outside of the arena, one of my aunts said, “King, huh?” I quickly glossed over the spiritual rebirth explanation, anxious not get into it.

She then looked at me and said, “You know you are a King.”

Huh? She began to explain that I had relatives predating my paternal grandmother in the family tree who were Kings. Three sisters. All girls. I was stunned. King is my birthright! God was right when He told me that King was my name. As with so much of my life since my spiritual rebirth, I was extremely excited that I followed the direction of Spirit when changing my name instead of giving in to my own fears and possible disapproval of others. I have a path to walk which is undoubtedly unconventional. The moment I heard my aunt speak those words, I felt like my whole life—with all its weird twists and turns—had been validated.

An Opportunity to Heal

My aunts invited us to the party they were having in honor of my graduating aunt. There, they began to explain some of my family history to me. I usually never leave home without a journal or some scrap of paper to write on. That day, I had none. Not even my writing pen! I now know that was by divine design. Since I cannot remember what they told me, it forces me to take the steps that I never would have considered. Today, I gladly do so with nothing but peace and love in my heart.

The time has finally come for me to go back and fill in the missing pieces of my family, my ancestry. Moving forward with the Walk demands that I take a walk back down a path that’s been hidden from view. I need to know where I come from. I need to know who I am. I need to fill the void with the only substance that will satiate my deepest yearnings—the truth. Where there is truth, there is also acceptance and fulfillment. And where there is acceptance and fulfillment, there is love and healing. I am excited!

Share Your Story

I invite you to share how you have found such hidden family treasures in unexpected places and in unexpected ways. How did it enhance the bond with your family members? How did the new knowledge affect other aspects of your life personally and professionally?

Please share your story as a comment to this post on our official Sights ‘n Sounds Blog to offer encouragement for individuals seeking to fill their own family voids.

Follow your heart and you shall never be led astray.